Has fear of something every kept you from reaching your goals? I have been asking this question lately of those I coach and work with, hearing some interesting responses. It seems when people drop their guard and get really honest, the truthful answer is yes. Most people can think of something they are avoiding and the source of not doing it lies in fear.
A member on a team I hired years ago was almost paralyzed with fear at the thought of public speaking. I worked with her on this skill and gave her many opportunities to practice. This person was so eloquent, intelligent and poised one on one or in a small group. Yet, put her in front of a room of 5 or more people and her voice quivered, hands trembled and eye contact was out the window. I saw people make incorrect assumptions about her and her capabilities, based on how this fear manifested itself. When she saw what was happening her confidence was shaken even further and her public speaking performance worsened.
She entered a cycle I call the Folly of Fear. Here is how it plays out:
- You are nervous or afraid about something
- It negatively impacts your performance at it
- This causes your fear or nervousness to increase and further brings down your performance
- You avoid the situation that causes you to experience the fear, thus you alter your goals and aspirations to avoid certain situations
- You do a good job of avoiding the fear, but in the process may never be a situation to improve or overcome what scares you in the first place
The fear takes hold and builds upon itself. Repeating steps 1-5. This downward spiral happens and can be tough to turn around. What are some things you can do to overcome your fears, or at least keep them from controlling or limiting you? How do you break the Folly of Fear cycle? Here are a few ideas:
Seek additional training/preparation
Some fears occur because the outcome of the situation is unknown. If you have no idea what to expect, your tension level can go way up. Gaining insight into how perform and what to do through training can dramatically improve your ability to succeed. Increasing your knowledge base not only helps you know what to do, but builds confidence. Look for training experiences that allow you to apply what you learn and get feedback. Make sure it is as practical as possible.
Look for small, safe ways to face your fears
This makes sense. If you are terrified of heights, do not overcome that fear but bungee jumping from a suspension bridge on a mountain gorge in Nepal.
Baby steps work much better than leaps of faith.
The term “baby steps” should apply here. You don’t want to create a situation that could cause you to experience trauma while trying to overcome your fear. Experiencing a trauma may result in a setback that would be even more difficult to overcome.
Remember that person who was afraid of public speaking? She joined toastmasters and went to weekly meetings where she did small talks. Sometimes there were only 3-4 people present. Other times 10-20. As she had no other contact with this group or relationship outside of the club for her, the stakes felt much lower than presenting to an executive team or group of leaders that decided the fate of her work.
Find a mentor or coach
Enlist the help of someone who excels at that which you fear. Find out what specific actions they take to be successful. You may be surprised that many of them had fears that needed to be overcome as well. Ask lots of questions so you can understand how exactly they addressed learning and mastering the skill or activity. You can engage a coach to make sure you are getting straight-talk and feedback while you are building your skills.
Replace some negative associations you have about the fear with some positive ones
Take the Folly of Fear cycle and turn it upside down. When you look for small, safe ways to be in situations that cause you fear, you can actually start to have some positive experiences. At a minimum you can find out that you can have some success at something new or something you are able to try that scares you. Ask yourself, how can I make this a positive experience? Perhaps you will reward yourself for the new accomplishment? Finding ways to attach some positive associations to something you avoiding previously can be a major step in the right direction.
As a personal experiment, I decided to tackle something I feared recently. I figured this would be a good idea, to eat my own cooking. With coaching and developing others, I am constantly asking them to face their fears, do what makes them uncomfortable. Challenging them to try something new and take risks all for the sake of improving as a leader, professional or person. Had I forgotten what it was like to do something new that makes me nervous without a guaranteed successful outcome? Next week, we’ll get into that experiment and the outcome.